Eventually even the fun comes to an end and the Mewall blog must get serious. Without seriousness, the fun is simply superfluous crap. So tonight, if only for myself, I would like to share my emotional space. I had a shitty day at work, not a big deal - likely 100 more of those to come in 2008. I make the conscious decision to go back every day. Until the day that I just don't go back. It took me 1 hour and 50 minutes, with an overactive bladder, to get home home from work; also not a big deal. I made a conscious decision to commute 30 miles to work. Now I am home alone. I have only heard my voice in my head and aloud a few times when speaking to Lou, my trusty companion. Even those words were silly, "Lou, do you know what a kiss is? this is one. *Smooch* - Oh, you don't like kisses, well I give them to you every day!" So basically I am bored, which I pretend to crave daily, but when I actually have nothing to do (aside from paint, run, lift weights) I find myself at a loss and alone with my thoughts. SCARY for me - I usually run from my thoughts because when I go deep I get sad. However, tonight I am not running from my sad thoughts; instead I am sitting with them. I got this idea from a book, so I am giving it a whirl. When I think about the many rash decisions I've made in life, I generally don't like myself. Then I consider more poor decisions I've made and the impact they've had on others. Then I feel like real shit. Tonight I lament my divorcee status. The sadness I've caused my children and David. Though he doesn't blame me anymore, I still wonder if I could've just stuck it out for my kids. The entire course of their lives would be different. But I didn't, so isn't that wasted emotion? Then I think about how happy they are. How their lives were determined before they were born. How resilient they are. Then I realize the suffering I think they have endured is adult suffering that they aren't even aware of. The real sufferers are David and Jennifer. Our landscape is the most drastically changed. Usually I would push these thoughts away with thoughts of my silly girls. But not tonight. I know deep inside that my happiness every day is because of them. It doesn't matter how I struggle with myself or work or traffic or romance. Without them the struggles would be meaningless. With them I can laugh. They are my sun, moon, and stars. I see their little bikes in the garage and I want to laugh and cry simultaneously. Their skin is a part of me and a part of David. Their tiny noses and round rumps. If that isn't proof of God's hand in my life I don't know what is. Moving on (since this isn't a post of thoughtfulness but of train of thought)...my yin (to my yang) said to me on Friday as i complained of my ridiculous mortgage payment (more than I make a month). "But would I trade my routine life with a comfortable mortgage without children for your mortgage payment and those girls?" Well you know the answer. We both did. Thank you JC for that perspective - I haven't been able to shake it since. I wouldn't trade any of my disastrous, destructive life decisions because I have learned something from each of them. And on top of it all, I have the sun, moon, and stars every single day, right in my arms. Should I really be sad that my kids will never take another family picture? Well, a little. But I want more than anything to celebrate the variety of living that they will experience. I love their father dearly - we have blessed ourselves with an incredibly odd friendship. That is my blessing for my children. I thank him for accepting me that way. I have so many incredible people in my life. People who know that when I am in turmoil I fall off the face of the earth for extended periods. And other people who have to hear the minutiae of my struggles, and still listen, gently guiding me through my mistakes with honesty and love. All of these people accept and love me. I hope that I can one day leave an indelible mark on their lives by giving them what they have given me, which is the gift of what a friend needs, when they need it. My blessings abound. So see? This works. Had I not sat with my sadness for 20 minutes I would not be sitting here all blissed out because of the love that is extended to me daily, sometimes in the oddest, most unexpected ways.
When we set up this blog, Sarah and I agreed we should be careful to whom we give the address. What if we write something shocking? I just did. And it's scary, but I really don't care. SO many people hear me being humorous and light, self-deprecating even. I'm human and even thoughtful. Hope you didn't get embarrassed learning that. Thanks for listening. I love you all. Really I do.
xo,
J
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7 comments:
Only a privileged few of us know something of the serious Jane. We revel in that knowledge because it's so closely guarded. Bravo, Jane, for putting a little out there. Here's the Jane that I know: a Giver with a capital G, but an unwilling taker. A heart capable of enormous embrace, but closely guarded. A mother whose children will someday weep at her sacrifices. A solid, solid friend. She's got your back. When you get past the sarcasm, it's not hard to admit that we're taking Jane seriously. And I like it.
OMG BEET, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me, to me. Thanks for the depth. It becomes you. ;)
Your words are so powerful to me they make me weep every time I read them. It seems as though you have come so far in dealing with your emotions. I deal with mine on a daily. What a fuckin' pussy I am for feeling. Sometimes I just with I had none, it would be so much easier without them. No feelings= no hurt. I thinking I'm heading in that direction these days anyway. I'm sure everyone on the other side of these words will be shocked at our display of written word but who the fuck cares. By the way this is real life, why not live it and show it. And don't for a minute doubt your "harsh actions" you did what you had to do. I love you too Jenn. I'm glad we have the friendship we do. I enjoy your blog and you as well.
DD
I guess I should of proof reed that garbage. You guys are gonna have a field day with that one.
read/reed what an idiot!
It's all good. The rule is that if it's written from the heart, we put our proofreading eyes aside. :) It's better to write without worry anyway, that's what this is all about. Plus there's only about 4 readers - safe!
Oh ya, Jon Astley sings that song. Can u say 80's
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